Ready to Explode?
Are you angry, enraged, not going to take it anymore? You may find that you are angry and irritated more often than you wish. Anger can sometimes get out of control. You may develop a seething resentment. In your life, is anger helping or hurting you?
A Simple but Powerful Concept
Where does the anger come from? Like other emotions, anger originates in your mind, not in other people or external events.
You may become angry because you interpret what people say or do in a certain way. For example, a friend fails to show up for a lunch date and doesn't call. How inconsiderate! You sat and waited for half an hour and it ruined the rest of your day. Boy, are you angry.
However, you discover later that your friend was in a car accident and seriously hurt. She didn't mean to make you angry. Suddenly, your anger vanishes, replaced by sorrow and love for your friend. Notice that you still got stood up for lunch, but your perspective on the situation changed.
Understanding and accepting this concept can be very powerful. It may not quite seem natural at first, but before any event can make you angry, you must become aware of it (the store clerk overcharged me) and interpret it (I've been ripped off again). It's how you interpret the event that can make you angry.
Becoming more aware of our own thinking is part of the answer.
This Time, I Have a Right to Be Angry
What if our anger is justified? What if your friend just didn't feel like going to lunch with you, and didn't bother calling to tell you so? What if one of your colleagues sent you a nasty e-mail, with no other motive than to put you down?
Before you rage against the machine, stop. What are the thoughts you are having? You have no reason to feel guilty about or ashamed of your anger. Anger is anger; it's a feeling. It's how you express the feeling or how your thoughts reinforce the feeling that you need to be aware of.
Were you angry all day? Did you take your anger out on someone else? What did you do the next time you saw the person with whom you were angry?
If you lose control you may only hurt yourself; for example, you may say things you later regret, and the situation that provoked your anger will not have changed. Stop to consider advantages and disadvantages of losing control. You may even write them down. It's the same idea as counting to 10.
He Shouldn't Do That
Let's get back to the colleague who sent the nasty e-mail. You are enraged. He shouldn't be so rude. There's no need for it.
For the next three hours, you are angry. You sit at your desk ready to explode. You tell yourself, He shouldn't do that. There's no need for it. What's the effect of these repetitive thoughts? You're no longer able to concentrate on your work. You're stuck in the office, where you have to keep your cool, with your mind and body in a heightened state of tension, as if you were getting ready to fight, but you can't do anything about it. You know there's no appropriate outlet for the anger seething inside you.
You tell yourself again, He shouldn't write e-mails like that. The thought only serves to feed your anger. How can you rephrase this thought? Try this: I would prefer he didn't write these stupid e-mails but it's how he communicates. Ultimately, I can't do anything to control him. That's the reality of the situation and I can learn to accept it.
Accepting that we can't control other people's behavior is a big part of controlling anger. The more we accept this reality the better we will be able to control ourselves. This is how we gain the power to handle aspects of upsetting situations that are within our control.
What Else Can I Do?
Here are some things you can do when you feel ready to explode. Now, when caught in the grips of anger, it may be hard to remember a to do list. One or more of these suggestions my help anyway.
- Listen to music (if it's to your taste, some rock with a strong beat) and dance around the room. You may look silly, but its better than kicking the dog.
- Write down your feelings. For example, keep a journal or write a letter to the person you are angry at (but think twice before sending it).
- Find some other form of self-expression. For example, get some black and red crayons and sketch out your angry feelings in an abstract, angry drawing.
- Play a sport or work out. There's nothing like a good physical workout to get the anger out of your sytem.
- Meditate or practice deep breathing. This one works best if you practice regularly when you are not angry. Meditation is a form of discipline that may help you control your emotional responses.
- Talk about your feelings with a friend you trust. What are the feelings behind your anger? Are you sad or fearful? Sharing can help us break out of the isolation that keeps us locked in harmful emotions.
- Distract yourself. Forget about whatever it is that's making you angry. Watch a movie or read a trashy novel. Escape from your own thoughts for a while.
- If none of these suggestions work, consider talking to your doctor about asking whether medication may be helpful.
Anger is a powerful emotion and at times it can sweep us up like a tiny ship tossed in a storm. However, ultimately the storm is in our own minds: The thoughts associated with the anger often feed it.
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